Endings

Change opens up new possibilities, but it also finishes up portions of your life that are ending for you. Endings kind of suck.

Sometimes endings happen without your knowledge, like at the temp job I had where they decided they didn't need me to come in the next day anymore. The last time I left that place, I left some crossword books in my desk drawer and a beautiful rose paperweight that I received as a gift on my desk. The ending was so sudden that I never got a chance to get my rose. I don't miss the job, but I miss the rose.

Sometimes endings are a relief, like the time I quit a horrible job right after a staff meeting. That ending, there was nothing I wanted that was left behind. The only thing left behind was chaos, intimidation, and power struggles. That ending was really an opening into choices and the realization that I would rather have a meaningless job than an oppressive job.

Sometimes endings happen fast, like the time my grandpa died in a car accident. No time for goodbyes, no time to stop it from happening, no time to dread it. All I had was pictures, letters, and the last phone call when I was glad I told him I loved him. From then on, I always ended conversations with I love you.

Sometimes endings are eagerly anticipated, like the time I moved out and started college. It didn't feel like an ending at all- it felt like a beginning. There were still ties to the past, I could go home to the farm whenever I wanted, so it did't feel like a loss. Instead, it felt like a gain.

Sometimes endings are dreaded, like the time my grandpa died of cancer. There was time to cherish each moment, time to hope, time to dread it from happening. Time to grieve. Just lots of time.

Sometimes endings mess you up for a while, like the time my dad fell. Every little change is grieved, every bit of improvement is celebrated, every day revolves around the hospital, and every day you try to convince everyone you have it all together, except on those days when it just becomes too much and you have to rely on someone else to comfort you while you try to put the pieces of your composure back together again. In that ending, I learned how to be dependant. At the same time, I became more independant than I have ever been before.

Sometimes endings linger, like letting go of the farm right now. It took a long time for us to realize we had to let the farm go, it didn't fit our family anymore. It took more time to prepare everyone for the change. Even when we moved off the farm, we weren't off it completely, and now the ending is dragging out. April 15 will be the final day on the farm, and then that much beloved chapter of my life will be closed. And I will miss it very much. At the same time, it will be such a relief, the burden will be gone, the responsibility will be gone, and a load will be off my mind. There is lots of ambivilance.

Sometimes endings are a time to put a good face on, like my job ending right now. Wednesday is my last day, and these last few days pretty much suck. I love my job; it will likely be a long time before I find a job as good as this one. But no one wants to feel bad- so I put on a good face, and talk about my exciting travel plans- Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Calgary, North Carolina, Spokane... and my exciting school plans (5 correspondance classes are not exciting, but once they are done, not doing homework will be exciting). I talk about taking time to find a good job, but the honest truth is I wish the powers-that-be had gone out of their way to allow me to keep my job. But I am not sure what the-powers-that-be are thinking, so instead I am putting on a good face and keeping my dignity.